a snape story
by falling-alone
Summary: umm i was terribly bored and wrote about what would happen if snape just happened to appear, the story is a failed attempt at humor


Disclaimer: I don't own Snape, he owns me (hahaha Snape is my master!) and January and Jill are real people. It scares me how real I've made them once I reread the story.  
  
* * *  
  
Approaching her porch, keys at hand, Rebecca heard a loud thump coming from somewhere inside the house.  
  
"Ah the little brat must already be home." she thought to herself, referring to her rambunctious younger sister, Candace. But when she tried the door it was still locked, and when she opened up the door the whole house was empty. No one was home yet.  
  
"Hmm.this is rather odd." But of course Rebecca is oblivious to her surroundings and thought nothing more of the rather loud thump. She then preoccupied herself by going to the kitchen and eating those little oranges she had at lunch earlier. The ones that made her think of the peaches song.  
  
While singing 'millions of peaches, peaches for me, millions of peaches, peaches for free' Rebecca was rather cold and decided to put on her monkey sweatshirt, so accordingly she headed up to her room. She reached the door and in the center of her room stood a black figure.  
  
"Oh dear, I believe I am going insane. My father is right; I am too obsessed." And she walked away, for standing in the center of the room was none other than Professor Snape himself. She turned back, sure that he would not be there, and really wanted to get her blue Paul Frank monkey sweatshirt (a/n: its so cute the monkey's even got braces :#). Unfortunately the Potions master still stood there, looking rather confused.  
  
"Go away," she told him as she clapped her hand to her forehead, "Your not really here, you are just a hallucination of my obsession. Go away Professor Snape!" But the Professor put on one of his infamous glares and replied.  
  
"I assure that I am truly here, where ever here is. And how do you know of that name?" He growled.  
  
"Oh British accent. (swoons) this is so cool, I mean," she tried to put on a straight face, "well erm.but how did you get here exactly. I mean you're not a real person. You do realize that?"  
  
"What exactly do u mean by that surely where I have been transported to is not full of dunderheads. And you have yet to answer my question. " Rebecca sighed, this was going to take awhile.  
  
"No, it's just that here, Professor Snape is just a fictional character. You know like from a book-"  
  
"Yes I know what fictional means!" He snapped. Rebecca flinched, and mumbled "sorry." It was then at that point when Professor Snape took a good look at his surroundings. Rebecca's room was a light blue, and absolutely everything was covered in clouds. The girl even went as far as having real photographs hanging up. Then what shocked the Potions master even further was not the slightly over-cheerful room, but of what she had posters hanging up of. (a/n: yes it's sad my room is covered in clouds)  
  
"POTTER!" He growled at the posters hanging over her bed. "You're a muggle? The pictures aren't moving. How would you know of him?"  
  
"I told you, in this world everything you know is fictional. It's all in these books. Maybe you should sit down. And that's not really Harry; it's just an actor who plays him in the movie. Does he really look like tha- never mind" She realized she was babbling. He did not sit though, and she handed him four books. All bearing the titles Harry Potter, she backed away from the obviously disgusted man.  
  
"If you thought he was famous in your world, then think again. Its total madness over here." Snape stood flipping through the pages total shock on his face. He saw his name a few times and read the dialogue. It was exactly what he had said, right down to Potters reaction to the insult. Not to mention his thoughts too. A tiny smirk began to play upon his face. He practically had Potter's expulsion spelled out. Now if he could only find out what that boy has been up to.  
  
Rebecca seemed to notice this and began to pry the books from his hands.  
  
"Umm I dunno if giving you these was a good idea. Who knows what you plan to use that information for.that wouldn't be very fair once you've returned to your world."  
  
'Damn this girl knows me too well'  
  
"Very well, now that I am stuck in such a infernal place. Would you care to inform me where I am?"  
  
"America. Lafayette Hill, Pennsylvania to be exact." Now Rebecca really backed away. Snape looked like he was about to explode.  
  
"Are you telling me that I still remain in a world where they still worship the prat, Potter, I am no where near Britain, and you care to tell me i am a fictional character in a childs book?!"  
  
"Umm, yes?" Snape sank to the floor, head in hands.  
  
"How the hell am I going to explain this to Albus." And Rebecca followed suit.  
  
"How the hell am I going to explain this to my parents?" After a long pause of awkward silence Rebecca spoke up. "What about your magic? Doesn't that still work. I mean you're still a wizard after all."  
  
The professor looked up. How could he have been so stupid? He pulled the slender piece of wood from his cloaked and admired it.  
  
"Oh! Cast lumos!" he looked at the girl, her eyes full of wonder. And cast the spell. A bright blue flame appeared at the tip of his wand, and she began laughing. "Sweeeet! It worked; I didn't think it would, but look!" The potions master rolled his eyes, and muttered the counter curse.  
  
"Yes, well this is all fairly interesting, I really must be on my way-What are you doing?" he turned towards the girl. She was already on the phone and held up a finger to her lips to him, as she was trying to carry on a conversation with her best friend January, who was fairly loud and could here from the receiver how their conversation went.  
  
"You need help." Rebecca started laughing.  
  
"I know, but that's not the point! You need to come over here now. You'll never believe this!"  
  
"I don't believe it now. What are you on anyway? I swear your such an airhead."  
  
"Erlack! Get over here now, haha! Your always wanting to come over anyway, well now's your chance" Rebecca was starting to hop up an down.  
  
"I cant though, my moms asleep-"  
  
"THEN GET YOUR AUNT TO DRIVE YOU OVER!"  
  
"Why can't your mom pick me up?" Rebecca sighed and explained.  
  
"No one's home, they probably went to dinner without me again. Looks like it's hotdogs again for dinner tonight." But this made January laugh really loud.  
  
"HAHAHAHAH!" which Rebecca took as a 'yes'  
  
"Oh! And pick up Jill too, though you might want to call and make sure she can come over first-"  
  
"Oh I see how it is.fine but I'm not talking to you again" and with that she hung up.  
  
Rebecca laughed some more before turning back to an incredibly confused Snape.  
  
"My friends are coming over, they don't seem to believe me that you're really Sna-where are you going?"  
  
"I am going to find a way back to the wizarding world, I think I am going to go mad if I have to stay here for another second." And he started out of the bedroom. 'Oh no!" Rebecca thought, 'he's my only chance to escape!'  
  
"Wait!" she yelled after him, but had to stifle some more giggles as the Potions Master's robes were billowing. Severus turned. "You can't leave!"  
  
"And what, pray tell is stopping me from doing so." He once again growled and glared.  
  
"Well nothing I mean, but you can't go out looking like that." She pointed to his usual black garb of cloaks and high-necked dress shirts. Professor Snape was about to say something when Rebecca rushed passed him to the front door, for January and Jill had arrived.  
  
"HI!!!!!" she greeted them excitedly, and they stepped inside.  
  
"What's that you're saying Rebecca? What! Snape is your MASTER?!" January said rather loudly to embarrass her, as she stepped inside.  
  
"ARGH! Shh!" Rebecca went Bright red,  
  
"Don't SHH me!" came from January, but she couldn't stop laughing, even Jill put her hand up to her mouth to stop giggling. The Professor looked up at the three standing in the doorway.  
  
"He doesn't really look like Snape." whispered Jill.  
  
"What do you mean I don't look like myself?" he once again growled.  
  
"Umm." Jill didn't really know what to say.  
  
"Well you don't look too much like the guy from the movies." Concluded January.  
  
"WHAT MOVIES!" now all 3 stepped away from the furious Snape.  
  
"They made Year 1 and 2 into movies.your in them too. OH LETS WATCH THEM!" cried Rebecca and she ran downstairs grinning madly. She came up with 2 movies on DVD: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone and Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.  
  
"Oh god.I bet she's memorized the second movie already." murmured January. Snape raised an eyebrow at this and Jill just nodded in agreement.  
  
"I heard that." pouted Rebecca, "and for your information, I haven't-I only know some of the lines."  
  
Well about 5 hours later, having completed both movies, Snape was rather disturbed at the fact that a) they bothered to make a movie about Potter, Granger, and Weasley, b) that he was in them, and c) that girl did know all the lines to the first and practically all of the second.  
  
"They're rather, disappointing though." Rebecca sighed. "I mean they left out so much important stuff, and they messed up on some spells, but I do think they did a great job of portraying everything."  
  
"I suppose." Snape looked around. "Hmmm...Your little friends seem to share your utmost enthusiasm it seems."  
  
'Ah the sarcasm I was waiting for that' thought Rebecca. January could be seen asleep on the Lazy Boy and Jill had tried to stay for most of the second movie but found that downloading music was more appealing on Rebecca's extremely slow computer (a/n: and I mean EXTREMELY). Rebecca sighed again.  
  
"You still haven't explained how exactly you came here," Rebecca told the Potions master.  
  
"An experiment backfired, I believe I was banished by Voldemort. He most likely believes I am dead or in some alternate universe of endless torture. I would say he accomplished his task."  
  
"What do you mean-Ohh.It can't be that bad here can it?" The girl tried to smile but failed. Snape once again rolled his eyes. "But you can't go back there then, Voldemort will try to kill you."  
  
"I am fully aware of the situation if I return, nonetheless I will not sit around here and cower." He retorted.  
  
"I suppose you can wear some of my dads clothes, though I'm not sure if they'll fit, and I don't think he has much black." She got up to wake January, but seemed to have an unsuccessful try when an idea popped into her head.  
  
"Hey Jan" she whispered, "Bill called, he's on the phone right now."  
  
"Billy?" The groggy January sat up from the chair, and at this Rebecca couldn't control her laughter. January saw this and took appropriate action. "Why you little bitch." and Rebecca was slapped on the side of her head.  
  
"oww."  
  
"Where's twiggy?" inquired January.  
  
"She's downstairs on my slow-ass computer" Together (including Snape) they ventured to Rebecca's den that held the computer.  
  
"Jilly-billy, Kanachers doesn't care about me and Billy"  
  
"Oh?" was all Jill could reply before January interrupted her  
  
"And you don't care either, Hmph! Some friends-"  
  
"Umm, I care" Jill went on, but before Jan could reply again Snape cleared his throat.  
  
"Oh right, Professor Snape needs clothes," explained Rebecca  
  
"What's wrong with the ones he has on now?" asked Jan.  
  
"They're rather weird," commented Jill. The four of them then ventured to Rebecca's dad's closet to find suitable attire. Snape was rather hard to please but ended up in a black tee shirt with dark jeans.  
  
"He still looks a bit off," commented Rebecca and she received the usual glare.  
  
"Does he always have to do that?" Asked January which caused him to scowl even more and to start off Jill and Rebecca laughing, but Jan ignored the two and went on, "his hair is too long; it could be washed too." This made Rebecca laugh even harder but she agreed. This was Snape after all and his hair did look rather greasy.  
  
"If you cut it a bit shorter, then you could have emo hair!" Jill piped up. "I could cut it!"  
  
"Yes, we all know Jill cuts her own hair, after all." Explained January sarcastically. "Oww." Jill had hit January in the arm, and even though Jill was small it still hurt. Jan responded by hitting Jill back. Back and forth it went until January saw Rebecca laughing again and hit her too. The three of them were now at it with Rebecca constantly murmuring about how she didn't have enough brain cells as it was. Somehow they had forgotten about Snape.  
  
Well, he was rather angry with them for acting like children, and grasped their wrists causing them to stop.  
  
"I believe you told me that you three were friends?" he scowled.  
  
"Best friends." Rebecca replied.  
  
"Hmph! Speak for yourself." which came from Jan.  
  
"Oh dear," commented Jill.  
  
"WILL YOU THREE SHUT UP FOR ONE MOMENT!" The Professor was furious with them, not only did he have to put up with three teenagers, but also how to figure out how to return to his own world.  
  
And in this moment of silence the three think:  
  
Jill: 'ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, OLE!'  
  
Jan: 'bill or lowjo, bill or lowjo? Decisions decisions, hmm.bill lives around here, lowjo is in California. On the other hand lowjo is tall, while poor little billy is a midget.'  
  
And Rebecca: 'I love Harry Potter, no Snape is my master! Erlack.I love Harry!'  
  
Snape sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose.  
  
"Where would I be able to acquire proper potion ingredients?"  
  
"Umm.." January and Jill just shrugged.  
  
"At a supermarket, but we'd need to drive like in a car, you know. Erm can you drive?" Rebecca asked.  
  
"Yes, unfortunately I can. ('blasted Albus') You do you have enough brain cells I presume from your previous from your previous spout to provide adequate directions to this supermarket." Rebecca looked a bit downtrodden at the insult. Jan snickered and commented.  
  
"Aww, look you're going to make her cry."  
  
"Am not!" defended Rebecca. "I don't cry." and Rebecca stuck out her tongue at Jan as a smirk played upon Snape's lip.  
  
Somehow the four managed to find a car, hotwire it, and made their way to the nearest supermarket. Upon entering Rebecca began to sing:  
  
"I'm all lost in the supermarket, can no longer shop happily, came in here for that special offer, guaranteed personality-"  
  
"Urgh here she goes again." came from January.  
  
"Don't dis The Clash!" retorted Rebecca  
  
"The Ramones are rad!" remarked Jill. January, Snape, and Rebecca all gave Jill a weird look for the random comment. Several hours later, they found Professor Snape with a basket of some rather odd looking items. Most of them looked like they were alive.  
  
"You found all that in here?"  
  
"No, I went all over searching for these items. I had to apparate to a few select locations."  
  
"Argh! You can still apparate in this world! Why didn't you say anything earlier?" Rebecca looked a bit pissed off.  
  
"What are they talking about Jilly-Billy?" asked an amused January.  
  
"Umm, he can do this little 'pop' thing and disappear. I think?" The two were still arguing in the middle of the supermarket with January and Jill idly watching, and Jill cheering Rebecca on.  
  
"It would be of no matter-"  
  
"You could've gone back to England! 'and taken us too.' she giggled and thought.  
  
"Go Becky!" cried Jill, they had never seen this aggressive side of Rebecca before, but January smacked Jill.  
  
"Urgh don't call her Becky! I hate that name! Go Kanachers!" cried January.  
  
"Foolish child! If you would stop that infernal babbling, you would realize that apparating over such large distances would prove to be quite strenuous and useless. Seeing as I am a fictional character here and over there I would be the same. Besides the spell will only work if I remain in the same area I arrived here. "  
  
Well that didn't really make any sense to Rebecca because she had a headache from arguing really over nothing, but seeing as the Potions master was quite upset, the girl just said a meek "oh."  
  
"Hey did anyone else notice how incredibly long this day is?" Rebecca asked them.  
  
"Lyke OH My Gawd! You are sooo right!" spoke January in her surprisingly accurate "blond accent" for she was really a brunette. Rebecca rolled her eyes, and muttered "oh dear."  
  
"I believe this has been the longest day of my life, not to mention most gruesome." Snape scowled. Rebecca rolled her eyes once again.  
  
Rebecca made Snape drive over to January's and Jill's homes for she had secretly told them to pack some clothes and belongings. Rebecca would not stay in this world any longer, and who better to bring along with her than her best friends. They all seemed to be misfits anyway (a/n: hehehe sorry Jan and Jill!)  
  
They arrived home finally when the sun was begging to set. The sky was gray and swirling, as if a storm was approaching. None of Rebecca's family could be found though. Within seconds Snape being the skillful potions master that he is, had whipped up something to transport him home. Back to where his sanity could recuperate.  
  
The large chili pot (the best substitute they could find for a cauldron) was in the center of Rebecca's messy room.  
  
("Urgh this story doesn't seem to go anywhere does it now Rebecca?" Jan asked the author suddenly. "What do you mean? Hmph! I'm trying but humor isn't a concept that comes so easily, its like me trying to carrying out a conversation with people." Replied the author. "Fine I'll speed the story up!")  
  
So Professor Snape rattled off a bunch of nonsense Latin, took the potion without realized the three girls did the same. Conveniently enough, the potions master ended up back in Albus Dumbledore's office while the old wizard in half moon spectacles was eating quite a lot of lemon drops. Snape let out a sigh, (a/n: he seems like the type who would sigh a lot)  
  
"Thank Merlin, I've returned. You wouldn't believe me if I told what hellhole I had come from."  
  
"Perhaps those three behind you would care to explain then?" Snape look behind him, sure enough January Jill and Rebecca were sitting on the floor when Severus let out a shrilly scream and fainted.  
  
* * *  
  
The End.for now or should I continue on? I believe it was a rather boring story for no one except January and Jill would get the jokes. It also scary how accurate I made them act in the story. 


End file.
